Your heart is beating faster and faster
there is hesitation
a chance to turn back
and then the opportunity to act
Hitting the ‘publish’ button will be one such moment for me.
How many times after hesitating do we turn back, into familiar territory, often relieved but also perhaps a little disappointed that we did not act?
My close friends see me as courageous, often taking risks where they are unwilling to do so. However, I don’t see myself as courageous as I know there are many times that I retreat into my comfort zone. e.g. I have wanted to blog for sometime now but there has been a fear of exposing myself that has kept me from doing so. I won’t be able to control my image, there will be people out there who will make snap judgements about me, criticise my style, etc. You are only reading this as I made a promise that I would publish my first blog today.
For most of my life, I have always tried to portray a sense of perfection, having it all handled and uncertainty often causes my stress levels to rocket. In school I was the person who aced things, I always did well at work and have been successful at most things I have turned my hand to. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to be independent and doing it all myself, but the past year has made to look at things differently. I’ve had to especially as I’ve left the security of a job to pursue a passion and hoping to make a successful business out of it.
I currently have a few situations where I have been hesitant. Writing this blog has meant I’ve made a few decisions too! I’ve basically been scared of exposing myself, of putting my neck on the line and getting it chopped off! The reasoning usually is that until I choose, my options are open, but by that same reasoning, all options are also out of reach. Maintaining the status quo may provide a certain degree of certainty but it’s also boring. It is only by stepping out into the unknown, exposing myself will I ever know how it will go. It is also being able to dance with the uncertainty and be able to bear it for long enough not to close things down. Taking one step and then the next and continuing down that path, fully committed. I will let you know how things are going in future posts.
After all, uncertainty is where the excitement and adventure is, it’s those times when you go off travelling somewhere very different, riding that new rollercoaster ride and not knowing where the dips and bends are. The butterflies in your stomach, the trepidation, the exhilaration; it’s the thing that causes your heart to pump blood around your body so that you feel fully alive, rather than merely existing. This will open up a whole new world; you may or may not get the outcome you wanted… but you will have lived.
So where are you hesitant and what if instead of turning back, you stepped forward into the unknown? What would you do?
As a side note, I am also very much looking forward to reading Jonathan Fields’ book ‘Uncertainty’. It’s launched in the US tomorrow and hoping my copy finds me very soon.